Kindle Hog

So, Mary and I were sitting in bed the other day watching Netflix on our Kindles (yes, she has her own because she kept stealing mine). Sometimes I get a severe urge to watch kid shows, so I'll satisfy that urge for a few minutes by watching shows over her shoulder. Well, she was having none of that, that day.

I looked over at her show (My Little Pony's) for maybe 15 seconds, I didn't even say anything, and she looked at me out of the corner of her eye and let out the biggest sigh, then rolled over so I couldn't watch it. A few minutes later she rolled back over, so I peeked at her show again, she looked at me and rolled over again! The only thing I could think was WTF? She must have really not wanted to be on her side, so she went back to her back, well just to prove to myself that she was being a little A-hole, I looked again and what did she do? No, she didn't roll over, she got smart about it. She just took her Kindle off her lap and put it to the side of her, so her body was blocking it throughly from my view.

This event transpired within 15 minutes and no words passed between us, but you can bet when I called my husband later, I ratted her out for being such a brat, all he could do was laugh. I mean it was damn funny, but hell I can't get over what a little A-hole she was.

Name Writing

My little 4 1/2 year old has learned to write her name!

I love this video of Mary

This is my favorite video of Mary, I actually don't have that many, which is sad, but I'm so glad I was able to capture this moment when she was a year old. Watching it always makes me smile and become a little sad at the same time.

Yeah she's camping that spot

This is Mary waiting for a bath, guess she thought her wait was going to be a while...at least she's smart about it

Go Clean Your Room...

It's usually a constant battle with Mary to go clean her room/keep it picked up, like most kids. She's actually pretty good about it, after I ask her a few times she'll go in and pick up. Lately though, she gives me the "Let's pick it up together" line or the "I can't pick it up by myself" line; my reply is always, "You took out all of these toys, you can put them back."

Well today I "walked" (it's in quotations because I couldn't get past the door with the mine field of toys) and told Mary to go pick up her room. She actually listened the first (or was it second?) time I asked her and she goes in. After 30 seconds I hear her say, "I don't know why I have to pick up all this stuff," I'm in the other room and reply "because you made the mess, so you have to pick it up" Mary's reply? "Okay, but I was just talking to myself."

I just bust out laughing, she wasn't complaining to me, she was complaining to herself...Atta girl!

I didn't do it...

The other morning, I walk into the kitchen area to find a heaping pile of stuffing (not food, animal) on the kitchen table. First thought? Dafuq?

I look at Mary and say "What is that?"
Her reply?: "I didn't do it!"
Um, well it wasn't me and we don't have pets...
Me: "Where is it?"
Mary:  "I didn't do it!" cue sobbing
Me: "Where is it?"
Mary: "It wasn't my fault!"
Me: "Of course it's your fault, you pulled the stuffing out of it!"
Mary: "It's not my fault!"
Me *now getting pissed*: "Where is the stuffed animal that you pulled that out of?"
Mary *sobbing hysterically: "It's outside!"
Me-WTH? Now I'm actually worried she went outside alone "Mary where is the stuffed animal?"
Mary: "It's in the woods!"
Me-*Looks outside* the nearest woods are across the backyard, over a 5' fence, and across a graveyard: "Mary WHERE is the stuffed animal"
Mary: "It's in my bedroom"
Me-Finally! "Go get it"
Mary runs into her room grabs it and of course it's not one of the cheap stuffed animals, it's one of those $80 Vermont Teddy Bears, with a hole the size of a hand in it's back and 1/4 of the stuffing missing.

While I was pissed she destroyed a toy, then pissed she lied, and then pissed at the thought that she might have gone outside alone, it's still a pretty funny story. She was so dramatic and the random shit that was coming out of her mouth was priceless, if not horrifying at the same time. My husband had a good laugh over it, after he got over the part about her saying she went outside.

Baby Factory?

Mary just drew a picture with a bunch of people on it, I asked who they were and she said, "That's me, that's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my brother, my sister, my brother, my sister, and my brother!"

Uh...No Mary, mommy is not a baby factory.

Things having been pregnant ruined

I'm bored and am perusing the interwebs, while doing that my nipple, yes nipple, decides it's the itchiest thing in the entire world and I have to practically claw it off to make it stop itching...TMI right? Yes, you are completley correct.

But while maiming myself, I got to thinking, my nipples had never been itchy until I became pregnant. So, the connecting thought to that since I'm bored is why not make a list of things that having been pregnant has ruined.

1.  My emotions. Before I was pregnant, I cried maybe once every 6-9 months and that was just to get the pent up schnit out. During pregnancy, I think I was pretty decent when it came to not crying a lot, but after pregnancy, oh that is a different story my friend...My emotions are permanently f*cked. I cry during the Pampers "Silent Night" commercial, really anything to do with babies, sometimes the news, really just random bullshit stuff, that I have personally laughed at other people for crying about. Karma is such a bitch.
2. The obvious is saying my body, but that is a blanket topic, DUH my body was ruined, but let me explain how:
1. My nipples itch like a mofo, I mean truely sometimes I feel they won't stop itching until I scratch them off, I believe I've made them bleed before or in the very least brought blood to the surface.
2. I have stretch marks on my body (the thick flamey looking ones) that look like they belong on a pimped out GTO
3. My little kangaroo sack thing I have going on that, on some days, it feels like it would be a good idea to cut off myself, since I'm too poor and lazy to get cosmetic surgery done on it.
4. The panther tattoo on my hip, kind of turned into a tiger because of the fore mentioned stretchmarks.
5. My thyroid, ZOMG did being pregnant mess with my thyroid (it's the little gland that controls metabolism and emotions) lost 40 lbs in 6 weeks after the baby, gained 35 lbs in 6 months after the 6 weeks mentioned.
6. Oh, and during pregnancy I had gestational diabetes, that was scarring by itself, waking up and puking because you had a piece of cake (FINE pieces of cake), isn't fun. Neither was passing out in Kohl's on Black Friday. Luckily that went away after Mary was born.

Hmmm, well I guess that's it for now, I really thought the list would be longer. I'll have to think more on it, this was kind of spur of the moment ranting.

Leave me a message in the comments below telling me what's changed about you, since you were pregnant ;)

VHS time

Mary watching Pinocchio on VHS (yeah, we're that awesome in this house), notice the creepy ass baby sitting on the mini sofa...hoping Mary put her there.

Mary on Marriage

Mary got down on one knee the other day, took my hand, looked up at me and said "Mommy, will you marry me?" I think she got that from Lion King 1 1/2 since we don't have cable. I didn't know what to reply, I didn't want to say no and hurt her feelings and I didn't want to say yes, so I answered "Maybe when your older?" Which according to my husband was the wrong answer. Pft, whatev.

Today she asked: "Mommy, is daddy your wife?" I kinda wanted to reply no he's my bitch, but she's not 4 yet, so I thought that would be inappropriate...Just kidding on the comment and the age appropriateness before I get yelled at by whom ever.

Mary wants to be...

Mary's goals in life are to be a chef, doctor, and to ride horses...I wonder whose motivation she's inherited, certainly wasn't mine

"Mary" Christmas

Mary and I were in the car when a Christmas song came on, where the singer said Merry Christmas. From the back seat Mary exclaims, "That's right I am Mary and it is Christmas!"

She also loves to yell, "Christmas L-I-I-I-GHTS!" every time we pass a house that has Christmas lights on.

I love how she's able to make me smile just a little bit, during this Bahumbug Christmas, I'm only excited for Christmas for her and I'm glad she's young enough to where she doesn't know that she's missing out on a lot of family this year *insert pitty party here*

Do I really sound like that?

Sometimes when you listen to your kids play talk with their toys, you're just like, "Shit, do I really sound like that much of an asshole when I say that stuff to her?"

Mary's talking to her dolls and it goes as follows:

"Doll"- "Wa, Wa, Wa" She's making the doll cries by the way
Mary- "Stop crying or you're going to bed"
"Doll"- "Wa, Wa, Wa"
Mary- "Stop crying or you're going to bed, we had a good time now you're ruining it"

Shelburne Museum

Mary and I had a great time making snowflake ornaments and snow-globes at the Deck the Halls event at the Shelburne Museum. Thanks Find and Go Seek for the free passes!

Mary

So, as my family knows I named my daughter, Mary, after my grandmother, who was just all around a great person who died of pancreatic cancer. Please no apologies, I'm a detached person and don't deal with niceties well, I turn into that awkward kid that just hit puberty in the hallway and doesn't know what to say next because there are fifty people staring at them... Hey I'm seeing a psychologist for my issues, alright?

Anyway, a perk of her having that name I've found out, besides me always having a reminder of my grandmother, is that when I get really upset and just can't hold my tongue and "Jesus Christ, Mary" slips out of my mouth (no it's not that often, so don't judge, o and don't judge me for "taking the lords name in vain" or whatever either), I always have to finish it with "and Joseph," which almost instantly takes me out of the foul mood I was just put in.

It's actually pretty funny to witness, since I break out into semi giggles after getting pissed off. Then things go back to hunky-dory.

Moral of the story...taking the lords name in vain makes me laugh. No, I'm just kidding before you go all "you're going to hell you satanic bitch" insert waving a bible and cross. The real moral of the story is when you get angry, make light of yourself, find something that will drag you out of that angry place, it's not worth it and you have better things to do, like cuddling up with your baby and making the moments last.

Things I've posted on Facebook

Here are some things I've posted on Facebook. I'm writing them down here because remember Facebook isn't forever and this blog will be so full of awesomeness that it will last til the end of time, so I may be a little delusional...ssshhh, don't tell anyone.

I'm scrolling through Facebook now, wow I post a lot of stupid shit. Still scrolling, okay maybe I don't post as much stuff about Mary on there as I thought...

On My Mary Way Through Parenthood

HI! My name is Lindsey, I'm a introverted extrovert (I like people, but I really don't), I'm a stay at home mom, and I hate wine. So, yay, it's not another one of those mommy blogs about mommy's dealing with life with a glass of wine and cute little quips.

Nope, I created this blog, not to garner attention from others (I have my other blog for that, even though I don't get a whole lot of attention there), hell I'll be surprised if my family even looks at this, I created it for my daughter Mary and myself.

I have the memory of a dead squirrel, no truly it's atrocious, I can sit down to do something and immediately forget what I was doing. It's a horrible thing and what I'm really afraid of, is not being able to remember Mary's childhood, I don't want to forget all the funny things she does and says and while I post them on Facebook, lets face it people Facebook is going to phase out eventually and all will be lost, no not all will be lost because Facebook is gone, I mean all my stupid little Facebook posts that I make will be gone and I wrote some funny shit. Okay, it's not funny to everyone, mainly me, okay mostly me, I'm the type of person that laughs hysterically until I'm in tears at my own jokes.

So anyway this blog is for Mary and I, not you, I mean hey if you want to read it go for it, I'll try to be my funny cynical self, but remember us not you, I'm selfish that way.